Did your New Year’s resolution involve getting on better with your other half? We hear lots about the millions of pounds poured into studies on sex and love in a bid to make us happier in our relationships every year. But here’s some key findings from the last year of research and how to make them work practically for you. See them after the break
Money Matters – But Not In The Way You Think
It’s not the amount of money each of you has that predicts the success of a relationship, it’s how you manage it. A significant study by the Federal Reserve Board in the US found couples who have similar credit scores have a higher chance of making it long term than those who don’t.
The better your score, the better your chances. Which makes sense when you think about it. Managing finances requires maturity, being able to resist instant gratification and planning for the future: all are also good relationship skills.
Talk, Text, sext
No surprises that communicating effectively and regularly once more turned up in research to be integral to relationship satisfaction. But research by US psychology university professors (Drexel University) found couples who ‘sexted’ each other – sent sexually explicit or suggestive texts or photos – were more sexually satisfied than those who didn’t.
The professors found a ‘robust relationship’ between sexting and relationship happiness which is good news because 82 per cent of us sexted in the last year (though, sadly, not all were sent to our partner!)
Don’t Try To Turn Your Partner Into A Mini-Me
An essential ingredient for a great relationship, according to author David Richo (How to be an adult in a relationship: the five keys to mindful loving) is acceptance. Again, it’s advice you’ve heard before – don’t try to change your partner – but it’s been topping the list in relationship research for decades.
Rather than berate your partner for not doing something/thinking something/behaving in a way you wouldn’t, accept that they’re different and allow them to be. We all have positive and negative qualities (yes, even you).
Say Thank You
Appreciation is equally as important. Being grateful and expressing this with a simple ‘Thank you’ or another simple gesture can transform your relationship. Scientists at Georgia University interviewed 468 married people to find that gratitude was the quality that most predicted how happy someone is in their marriage.
Even better, expressing appreciation through every day gestures – like making a cup of tea or actually saying ‘Thanks for doing that’ – meant more than grand declarations or expensive gifts and holidays. Saying ‘thank you’ regularly also reduces the amount a couple argue or how they argue.
Any couple under stress are likely to row. But it’s how couples treat each other on a daily basis that predicts how critical and defensive they are during the argument, rather than what they’re arguing about.
Be Affectionate
Another result that never alters regardless of who is doing the research: the more you touch each other (non-sexually), the happier the relationship will be.
In 2015, research from Arizona State University found physical affection makes us feel less stressed, improves mood generally and kick starts production of serotonin, the ‘feel-good’ hormone.
Choose Your Friends Carefully
What do your friends think of your partner? If the answer is ‘Not much’ you’re on rocky ground, according to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology. It matters more what your friends think than your family (backing up an earlier study that found friends were much better at predicting the success of new relationships than parents and work mates).
If your friends don’t rate your partner, the chances of you being less committed, trusting and sexually communicative are high. You’re also likely to be more aggressive in the relationship than those whose friends do approve of their partner choice.
Don’t stop seeing friends just because you’ve found someone. Several surveys last year revealed the happiest long-term couples saw friends and did things apart as well as together.
Tweedledee-Tweedledum partnerships are not healthy or realistic. Expecting your partner to provide all your support and entertainment is too much of a strain on relationships. Your romantic relationship is often our primary relationship but it shouldn’t be the only one.
Have sex Once A Week
Research by Social Psychological and Personality Science found that despite a commonly held belief that couples that have sex all the time are happier, if you’re doing it once a week anything else is simply icing on the cake.
Happiness levels didn’t alter with higher frequency once the couple hit the once a week target. Even more interestingly, this applied to pretty much every group regardless of age or gender.
Do Interesting Things
Those cosy nights snuggled up on the sofa watching movies are nice but the trick is to balance it with ‘exciting’ things, according to a recent study.
Researchers asked couples to have either ‘exciting’ date nights or ‘pleasant’ date nights over a 10 week period. The couples who undertook the exciting dates showed a significantly higher increase in marital satisfaction.
The takeaway: avoid the same old routine and do something fresh and different once a week.
Let It Go
Another strong theme of 2015 relationship research was the impact of positivity. University of Chicago research found when a husband, particularly, had a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in the relationship.
How you each respond to the others good news is also key. Show excitement and pride and your bond is strengthened; show indifference or (as competitive couples often do) annoyance and risk damaging what you have.
Don’t Hold Grudges
If something has upset you, talk about it, explain why, get some reassurance that it won’t happen again (or will be managed differently) then drop it. Any argument or conversation that includes ‘This reminds me of the time you…’ is never going to be a good idea.
Culled from an article by Tracey Cox